Breathing Ch. 01

The ashen sky wept for her as flashes of light danced around the clouds.  The leaves on the oak tree beside the church swayed and dipped with each gust of wind.  It was as if the heavens had opened up suddenly for all of the occupants of St. Luke Church to witness.  Inside, patrons turned in their seats with each crash of thunder.  Their soft murmurs quickly turning into hushed whispers to the person sitting beside them.

Outside, an array of white and blue flew wildly in the storm.  The wind swept through them, threatening to carry them away.  Secretly she wished the wind would carry her with them.  The door to the building laid completely open, giving pedestrians a view of the many chairs placed inside. 

Rows of them were placed strategically with a blue satin carpet running through the center.  But this wasn’t what caught the eye of the guest in the church.  No, it was the mad dash they had witnessed just moments before. 

The murmurs were not from the intensity of the storm.  They were from the site standing just outside the open double doors.

At the bottom of the steps, standing in the pouring rain, was the bride. 

Her raven hair clung to her face as drops of water ran down it.  The ivory dress she wore weighed heavily on her body as she stood there watching nothing in particular.  In fact, she felt nothing at all.

It felt like forever had swallowed her whole.  Only it left her standing there with this empty spot in her soul.  Apparently, forever was a bitch.

The sudden sensation of hands on her shoulder caused her to open her eyes.  She wasn’t even aware that she had closed them.  Yet, she wanted to close them again, and never open them back up.  The pain in her heart was too unbearable to do anything else.  It was too unbearable to even breathe.  At that moment, she cursed herself for doing just that.

How could life be so cruel?

Moments ago she had been standing in the dressing room of her church, staring at herself in the mirror.  She had a smile that had been permanently plastered on her face since her fiancé had proposed to her.  And now that the day had finally arrived she couldn’t help but radiate with the anticipation she felt. 

She felt like she was walking on clouds and nothing could bring her down to Earth.  That thought alone made her cry harder. 

That morning, her mother had given her a very heartwarming speech, telling her that it was normal to be nervous.  Only she didn’t feel even a single twinge of fear in her gut.  Today of all days she was completely without the metaphorical butterflies.

In just minutes she would be Mrs. Sonya Phillips. 

This only served to make her mother cry harder.  Her little girl was finally going to be on her own.  Even though she hadn’t lived in her house for years, she could always count on the fact that she’d need her.  Now she had someone else she’d need more.

“Mom, I’ll always need you,” Sonya whispered against her mother’s hair.  It wasn’t until then that the proverbial dam broke.  And both of them found themselves crying in her living room. 

“I guess it’s a good thing we haven’t applied our makeup yet,” she sniffled.  This only made her mom laugh too. 

Sonya shook her head and laughed even harder.  Today was a day for all lovers to enjoy.  Valentine’s Day.  Her friends had all made fun of them for how sappy they were.  How much more cliché could they be?  But even through the laughter and innocent ribbing, they knew it was the right day for them.  And so they set the date and waited patiently for it to come.

The day Sean proposed to her flashed in her head.  They had been dating for almost a year.  He had decided to come over unexpectedly, which wasn’t really that unexpected since he did it every day. 

When the door opened, the most beautiful sight she’d ever seen greeted her.  A six foot three inch Adonis, with sapphire eyes and auburn hair looked down at her like she was his next meal.

“So…” she paused trying her best to ignore his lust filled gaze.  “How was work?”

“Good,” he smiled at her.  She had turned away from him, but he knew that she would still be sneaking glances at him.  “What are you doing?”

“Popcorn.”

There was a brief pause before he said, “Ice cream.”

Her head popped up, “What?”

“Soup?”

“Sean.  Are you okay?” she laughed.

“You just said one word.  I thought it was a new trend you were starting.  You know like Pictionary.  Minus the pictures,” he added.

“You mean Charades?”

“Whatever babe.  Semantics.  It’s all semantics.”

“No.  It’s what the game is called,” she laughed shaking her head at him.

****

The movie had become a distant noise to Sean as he leaned in to nip at her earlobe.  She loved it when he did that.  His lips trailed slowly down her jaw, stopping every few seconds to place a small nip along the way. 

A soft moan escaped her mouth, and she felt his lips turn up into a smile.  His hands moved slowly over her body, eliciting more moans and the occasional gasp.  A few minutes of this had them both on edge.  Her body was a bundle of nerves and she wanted nothing more than for him to touch her. 

Anywhere.

She didn’t care where, just as long as he put her out of her misery.

Sean was well aware of the effect he had on her.  He reveled in every sound she made.  The way she moved the lower half of here body against him was pure agony.  And yet he never wanted her to stop. 

His lips once again touched her neck; trailing light kisses along the way.  Once he got to her earlobe, he paused.  A soft whimper echoed in his ear as he said the first thing that came to mind.

Backing away from him, Sonya blinked several times.  The look on her face was that of confusion and shock.

“What?”

His blue eyes pierced her brown ones as he grabbed her hand and leaned forward.  “I said marry me, Sonny.”

He was the only one she let get away with calling her that.  Everyone else knew better.  And yet whenever he said it she couldn’t help but melt into him.

“What?” she repeated.

A nervous laugh grated at his throat as he tried to gauge her reaction.  Was she happy he had asked her?  Was it too soon?

Sean ignored his inner Q&A as he pressed his forehead to hers.  “I’d never want to live without you.  You’re the light to my darkness.”

At that Sonya couldn’t help but smile.  He had always said that when he was feeling life was taking a toll on him.  She was the only one he ever said it to.  No one else said it to her but him.  And so without missing a beat she whispered, “Brighter than the Sun?”

A relieved sigh escaped his lips as he smiled at her.  “Brighter than the Sun,” he murmured as his lips met hers in a soul-shattering kiss.

****

Jolted back to reality, she looked up at the face staring at her.  It wasn’t the face she had wanted.  Instead it was her mother, wearing a frown that she’d tried desperately to erase.  But what did one say on a day like this. 

When the door had opened earlier, she had smiled and looked up, more than ready to start her new life.  But her smile quickly faded as she looked into her mother’s eyes.  The honey colored orbs broke her heart and a tear cascaded down her check as she opened her mouth to speak.

“I’m so sorry honey.”

Sonya’s heart stopped as she sat there slowly being pushed down by a haze of confusion.  What did her mother have to be sorry about?  Today was supposed to be a happy day.  She was getting married to the love of her life.

“What do you mean sorry?  Where’s Sean?  Is he running late?”

Each question was asked quickly behind the other, not giving her mother time to answer.  Instead the look on her face told her what she needed to know.  Sean wasn’t coming.  Quickly pushing that thought out of her head she smiled at her mother and then started walking towards the door.

“I told him not to do this.  He promised he wouldn’t try to prank me on today of all days,” Sonya laughed.

Before she could make it to the door, a hand grabbed her arm, willing her to stop walking.  Her eyes glanced down and then back up at into those same eyes she had seen when her mother walked in.  And what she saw broke her heart. 

“Sonny—,” she choked out before her lip started to quiver.

“Mom?  You never call me—what’s going on?”

“There was an accident,” she choked out.  “He didn’t make it.”

These words were spoken with such sadness and even though she heard them she couldn’t bring herself to believe them.  Through tear filled eyes she watched as her mother walked towards her and pulled her into a tight embrace.  She whispered that she would go tell the guest that the wedding wouldn’t be taking place and come back to check on her.

Looking with a blank expression on her face, Sonya jerked her arm out of her mother’s grasp and moved towards the door again.  Once she walked into the main room where their guests were she heard the music begin to play and then suddenly stop as she turned and pushed open the doors to the outside of the building.

She made it to the bottom of the stairs before she burst into soul wrenching sobs.  She had hoped that it was just her nerves getting the best of her.  But when she emerged from the dressing room to find him not standing there she knew it was true. 

He would never leave her there alone on purpose.  And so she wept.  Just like the sky, she wept for a love lost and a heart that would be forever broken.

The next few minutes were a blur as several of their closest friends smiled sadly at her and wished her well.  Their faces showed signs of pity, which angered her.  She didn’t want their pity.  She wanted Sean.  She wanted to see his tanned skin against her mocha flesh. 

She wanted to look into his vibrant blue eyes and tell him she loved him.  But what she wanted much more than that was to hear him say her name and how he was right there.  How it was all a big mistake. 

When none of those things happened she became quiet.  Not even a tear fell from her eyes.  Instead she just quietly mourned the love of her life.  Something she was sure she’d never find again.

*****************

One Year Later

“Sonny, come on!”

“You know I really hate it when you call me that,” she groaned as she rolled over pulling the covers back over her body.

“Oh you know you love it.”

Again the blanket she was laying under was pulled down to expose the blue and black pajamas she wore.  The cold air automatically hit her body sending chills down her spine.  Grasping aimlessly at the air around her she was forced to open her eyes and confront the bane of her existence.  Her best friend Cameron Cruz.  Or to those who knew her best…CeeCee. 

Her red hair looked like a blaze of fire as the sun hit it.  And her blue eyes were smiling down at Sonya as she watched her try to stay mad.  But like all the other times it was an impossible feat.  Groaning again she watched as Cameron catapulted herself onto the bed next to her.

“Fine.  If you won’t get up then I’ll just join you.”

“CeeCee…I’m not going.”

“Of course you’re going.  You’ve cancelled the last three times.  And last night you promised that…and I quote, ‘Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.’  End quote.”

“I’m not ready yet CeeCee.  Please don’t make me go.”

Cameron watched as her friends eyes filled with tears and one by one slid down her mocha cheeks.  It always broke her heart when she cried, because she knew what caused the tears.  And it was something that she couldn’t fix which broke her heart.

“Sonya.  It’s been a year.  You can’t keep doing this.  He would want you to be happy.”

“How do you know what he would want,” she asked spitting venom at her with each word.

“Because…he was my brother.  And you’re like a sister to me.  I miss him too.  Not in the same way you do.  But it doesn’t hurt any less.  I can’t watch you wither away before my eyes.  I won’t let you,” tears flowed down her face as she finished speaking.

Wiping a tear from her cheek, Sonya looked up at her best friend and nodded her head.  “Okay.  I’ll get dressed.  But I can’t promise you anything.”

An hour passed before they were both ready to go out.  It had been a long time since she had gone anywhere that wasn’t school.  After Sean died it was the only thing that took her mind off of him.  And so for the past year she had worked furiously to improve her grades.  Working almost nonstop until she was so tired that the only option was sleep.

But tonight she was dressed in a red halter-top and blue jeans.  She wanted to look nice but not too nice that it would give guys the impression that she wanted them to actually speak to her.  To complete the ensemble she wore very nice but conservative shoes. 

It didn’t matter that Cameron had looked at them for ten minutes before she actually allowed her to put them on.  They were the only shoes she was going to wear out that night. 

Half an hour later they arrived at the party.  It was a house party that was being hosted by one of Cameron’s coworkers.  He was loaded and always seemed to have parties like these as if they were nothing.  There were already cars lining the street in every direction making it impossible to park close. 

Sonya smiled to herself as she heard the curses coming from her friend’s mouth.  Bet she wishes she’d worn comfortable shoes now she thought.  The sound of music blared in their ears as they opened the door and walked in.  It almost appeared to be like a college frat party only slightly more sophisticated it that was possible. 

There were still people lined along walls talking.  But they weren’t making out or half naked.  Each individual was dressed nicely and not too sexy.  Cameron looked down and wished that she had gone in the same direction that Sonya had. 

“Come on Sonny.  I want you to meet my friend from work.”

“CeeCee…I don’t think this was a good –“

Stopping her Cameron leaned in and whispered, “Before you finish that sentence just hear me out.  We’ll stay for half an hour and if you don’t like it then I will take you back home.  Deal?”

Looking at her cautiously, Sonya took her hand and shook it firmly, “Deal.” 

Cameron pulled Sonya after her as they made their way through a maze of bodies.  After the fourth excuse me, Cameron was beginning to get agitated.  By the time they finally escaped the maze of people they were standing in a less crowded part of the room.  It wasn’t until then that Sonya actually allowed herself to notice her surroundings. 

The house wasn’t as fancy as she thought it would be.  It had a very homey feel to it without being too plain and unoriginal.  The furniture was definitely picked out by a man, she thought as she smiled to herself.  Leather was spread out amongst the room.  Yes, a man definitely picked out this furniture.

Her eyes searched the room lazily as she slipped through a sea of people.  Each one smiling and carrying on a conversation with the kind of vigor she hadn’t seen in a long time.  Of course, she didn’t really pay attention to what people did anymore.  She was a living breathing robot and the only thing that she had time for was her studies.  Studies which her lovable roommate was taking away from.

Laughter caught her by surprise as her head jerked towards the sound.  It was deep and gravely.  And it was stirring a feeling in her that she hadn’t had in a year.  Without thinking anymore she moved towards the sound.  Her feet moved slowly with hesitation while her heart screamed for her to run towards the sound.  It was something she hadn’t felt in a while.  This anticipation to see someone, and yet here she was drawn to a person simply by the sound of his laughter. 

And then without notice the laughing stopped.

It took her several seconds to realize that she had stopped as well, and was holding her breath in the process.  Her eyes moved from left to right hoping to catch a glance of whoever the laugh belonged to.  When it seemed like she had been hearing things she turned around and there it was again.  Not as loud as before but it was definitely there. 

Her eyes again did a quick sweep and then stopped on the back of a rather tall man.  He looked to be about six foot four, with curly auburn colored hair. 

“Turn around,” she whispered to herself.

And right on cue as if he had heard her silent plea, she watched as her mystery man turned his head slightly to the right. 

“You okay,” she heard the woman he was talking to ask.

Lingering there for a second before turning to meet her gaze, he simply smiled and said, “Yes.”

“There you are!”

“Holy shit!” she gasped as she turned to look at the owner of the voice behind her.  “Don’t do that CeCe!”

“My bad Sonny, I didn’t realize you were off in your own little world,” she laughed.

“Thought I told you to stop calling me that,” she whispered not looking at her friend.  Her mind was still on the man she had been staring at.  What was it about him that made her drawn to that laugh?  It was mesmerizing.  And just like that the frown she had let slip was back with a vengeance.  She shouldn’t be thinking things like that.  It had only been a year. 

“Sonya?  You okay?”

The concern in her friend’s voice was very evident as she watched the wheels in Sonya’s head turn.  But like any other time she kept her mouth firmly shut.  It had taken a lot for her to come out with her.  She didn’t want to spoil it by bringing up something that could very well be nothing at all.  Instead she gave her the best smile she had and wrapped an arm around her.

“Well, it’s been thirty minutes.  Are you ready to blow this Popsicle stand?”

“Where do you come up with this stuff,” Sonya asked while shaking her head.

“TV of course,” she smiled.

“In that case, yes.  I’m past ready to blow this Popsicle stand.”

Frowning down at her CeCe shook her head and simply said, “It sounds like you’re talking about porn the way you say it.  So I recommend you don’t say it anymore.”

“Only you would reference my statement to porn.  And you wonder why I never go out with you.”

“I already know why you don’t go out with me.  Because not everyone can handle this much awesomeness at one time,” she finished not allowing Sonya to answer her.

“It’s a burden I must bear, but someone’s got to, right?”

“Of course,” she laughed, as she turned her head back to where her mystery laugher had been.

“Sonny?  What you looking at?”

“Hmm?  Oh, nothing.  Just thought I saw something, but I guess not.  We should go.”

Weaving her arm around her she smiled and then walked her towards the exit.  The thoughts in Sonya’s head going rampant with both excitement and confusion.

*************

Two days had passed before she finally was able to let go of the weird feeling that had gripped at her subconscious.  And now she was back to being the same sulky, depressed Sonya she had been the past year. 

After the party, CeCe had come to invite her out again, but unlike last time she stood her ground and told her she had a paper to finish.  There was a no nonsense tone in her voice that told anyone listening that she wouldn’t be swayed this time.  And so shaking her head, CeCe walked out of her bedroom and dialed the only number she could think of.

“Please forgive me for this,” she whispered before pressing the call button. 

*************

The sound of a knocking interrupted her train of thought.  Glancing down at her watch she saw that it was now three twenty in the afternoon.  She had been working nonstop for six hours.  The knock grew louder as she tried to figure out who would be coming over.  CeCe was out so it couldn’t be for her.  Standing up she stretched, listening to the cracking of some bones. 

“Hold your horses,” she yelled as the person on the other end of the door began pounding.  “What!” she yelled, only to look in the face of the last person she wanted to see.

“Hi Sonya.”

“Mom?”

Standing at the door was Theresa Matthews.  Her mocha skin was a contrast to that of her daughter.  It was the one thing that most people seemed to point out when they introduced themselves.  But no one could deny that they were exactly alike in attitude.  And she knew that if her daughter was hell bent on being miserable, there was nothing anyone could do about it.

“Heard you weren’t doing so well,” she spoke as she walked past her daughter.

“And where would you have heard that?” she asked crossing her arms.

“No need to get defensive Sonya.”

“I’m not defensive,” she snapped.

A snort left her mother’s mouth.  “I can see that.”

“Mom, what are you doing here?”

“Cameron called me.  And before you get angry at her just know that she told me and I quote, ‘You’re my last hope.’ End quote.”

“You know how Cam is.  She exaggerates all the time.  I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.  You look like a shell of yourself Sonny.”

Throwing her hands up, she turned towards the kitchen, “Why does everyone insist on calling me that?  No one calls me that.”

“One person calls you that.”

“Correction Mom.  One person used to call me that.  Used to.”

“Baby, I know how much it hurts.  I’ve been where you are.  Have you forgotten that?   I was with your father for fifteen years and then he was just gone.”

“Mom, it’s not the same.  Dad left you.  Se—he was torn from me.  Taken on the one day that was supposed to be ours!”

Taking a step closer, she wrapped her arms around her.  “You’re going to have to find some kind of peace.”

“Peace?  You want me to find peace in the fact that the one person I—the one person who was everything to me was just ripped out of my life.”

“He wouldn’t want you to be this way.  He’d want you to remember the good times.  He’d want you—“

“How do you know what he’d want?  If that’s the case, he’d want to be alive.  He’d want to watch me eat popcorn and then try to scare me into spilling it.  Shit, he’d even want me to hog all the covers from him.”

“Sonya—“

“But we don’t know what he wants do we mother,” she said coldly.  “So you and CeCe can stop trying to rush me towards forgetting him and let me be.  Let me have what’s left of him.  Don’t make me forget him. Not yet,” she whispered as a tear fell down her cheek.  “Not yet.”

“Okay.  Not yet,” her mom whispered as she held her only daughter to her chest and waited for the sobs to stop.  This was going to be even harder than she thought.